This section is about STUPID GRAFFITI.

It's about Graffiti that we wish didn't exist.  It's about Grafitti that has no useful purpose except to piss people off, make something ugly, devalue, vandalize, obscure and fuck with.  People who do this kind of Grafitti are probably 12-year-olds, sniffing glue for the first time who are "mad at mommy".

This type of Graffiti insults us all and should be discouraged at every opportunity.  Not only is it a pain in the ass for everyone, but it gives "good graffiti" a bad name.

Bad number one is a quaint sign-board erected on the trail through the woods, just off the Edmonds Sky Train station in Burnaby.  Put up as a simple courtesy for people using the area.  Lets them know where the trails are and how many Indians were slaughtered to erect the ugly condominiums nearby.

Listen kiddies: not only is your scrawling ugly, ugly, ugly, but it defaces the semi-useful and wastes people's time, energy and money.  And it doesn't solve the problem of you hating your mother.

What you need is a good spanking and your crayons taken away from you.  You should be forced to sit down and eat organic cooked spinach and brown rice for dinner every night for a year.  And in your spare time after kindergarten, you do time on the Graf Removal Chain Gang, with "Mike" who will take you on a guided tour of the Stupidest Grafitti in town.

Get the pic?

Here's more Stupid Graffiti.  There's a clear, plexiglass cover over a pedestrian crossing at the west end of False Creek.  The plexiglass protects people from rain as they cross over the now-defunct tracks and move to higher ground where they can watch the traffic jams on 6th Avenue or wave down a speeding bus. 

And what do these morons do?  Scrawl their meaningless initials on the plexi, so we can't look out in the rain to see the organic spinach covering the rusty tracks.  Not a good thing, my little pre-pubescent gonads. 

Again, what's the point?  Who cares at all that "you were there"?  We wish you were'nt there at all.  In fact, as Laurie Anderson would say, we wish you were still a Chocolate Bar in your Daddy's back pocket.  Where is your daddy anyway?  If I was him, I'd whup your ass.

Bad, Number Three:  Graffiti on bus windows.  Hey, listen.  You just got off a late shift on the "Graffiti Cleanup Squad".  You wearily trudge onto the bus for the long ride home.  You aim toward the cozy lounge chairs on the back of the bus, because you can stare out the window without having to listen to people chewing gum in a foreign language.

And all you want is to daydream out the window as you cruise up Main Street.  What do you get?  The ugly droopy paint blobs of a drunken dolt who had nothing better to do on his way to the Cobalt Hotel than mess up the view of innocent bystanders like you and me.  Goes to show huh?  Not only is corporal punishment indicated, but this dense fart should be make to lick it off with his dandy little mouth until it's all gone. 

Then he should write 500 letters to Anne Landers explaining how substance abuse can ruin your artistic perspective and land you in trouble with everybody, especially "Mike" on the Graffiti Cleanup Squad, as well as the Catholic Church Ladies Graffiti Standards Committee.

(Damn!  I should have been a preacher!)